What You Really Need to Feel Secure in a Relationship
People who are uncertain in their connections do unreasonable
things constantly. Messaging their accomplice a million times in succession.
Or, on the other hand calling to check in continually. Perhaps they endeavor to
monitor their accomplice's whereabouts, notwithstanding checking their email or
Facebook messages when conceivable. Perhaps you've encountered this, either as
the unreliable one, or the individual dating the shaky one. Or, on the other
hand possibly you've even been both, in various connections.
Regardless of the possibility that these aren't the
indications of a the most advantageous connections, these practices are basic
to influence individuals to feel more secure in a relationship. Subsequent to
recovering a reaction from the accomplice over content, Facebook, or a genuine
call, they can rest easy.
The problem is that people end up making a habit of these
actions, repeat them over and over again to stay secure. These little actions,
as innocuous as they are, can damage a relationship. Some might feel annoyed by
their partners always checking up on them. Some might feel like there is a deep
trust issue that hasn’t been solved.
The Origin of Insecurity
Imagine a world where everyone holds a certain amount of
fuel in their hands. At the same time, a fire is lit in their heart and that
fire needs constant fueling to survive.
Every single person will find their compatible person,
someone who can find the fuel with which they can keep the other’s fire on.
Sometimes it’s a smooth exchange of fuel. Individuals find
others like family members or friends to keep their fires lit and going.
But many times, people refuse to give them fuel.
These people could be their parents who failed to give them
enough attention when they were still a child. Childhood development depends so
much on a child’s ability to form a strong relationship with a caregiver.1 It’s
crucial for babies and children to survive by attaching to a caretaker. If
children grow up without being paid enough attention by their caretaker, they
can easily grow up to feel insecure and have trouble trusting other people.
Feeling abandoned as a child, they might even doubt their own worthiness and a
strong fear of being unwanted.
Or it could be people who made them feel rejected in
previous relationships. Being rejected or betrayed by a friend or romantic
partner makes people feel unwanted. They feel hurt and even doubt their own
self-worth. They can find it difficult to open up to others and trust anyone
else. And when they find trusting other people hard, they will inevitably feel
insecure in a relationship.
As time goes on, their fire gets smaller as they lack fuel.
When, finally, someone suitable is there to give them the
fuel, they seek a lot from this partner – sometimes, too much.
In order to ensure a constant supply of fuel, they do
everything they can: this is when they might start checking their partner’s
texts or messages, or call too often. They can’t trust their partner because of
what happened in their past.
But when they demand so much fuel, it drains the other
person.
And so all those things that someone does to try to feel
more secure can annoy or hurt the other person. For example, they may fight a
lot over small things because of moments of insecurity. Both will be exhausted:
one demanding a lot of fuel, and the other trying to always supply the great
demand.
As you see, insecurity doesn’t come from the current
relationship or partner. It comes, instead, from the inner fear of being
abandoned, not being loved, and not being valued. This feeling is built up
along the way.
Where to Look for Security
The fire within a person is insecurity, and the fuel is a way
to feel secure.
Waiting for another person to give you fuel is just chock
full of insecurities. When other don’t want to do so, or their fuel doesn’t
work well for you, your fire will become smaller. When your security depends on
someone else, you give away all of your power. This is why when you’re
rejected, neglected, or betrayed, you feel insecure.
Giving yourself the fuel you need is how to make your own
security really sustainable.
1. Fuel Your Own Fire
Maybe you felt rejected when you were small. Or in you
previous relationship, others made you feel unimportant or didn’t respect you.
They didn’t reflect your self-worth.
When you feel insecure, you are often focused on something
you feel is lacking about you. For example, when you don’t feel good about who
you are on the inside, it is totally natural to look outside of yourself for
validation.
But this isn’t a good way to stay self-sufficient. Instead,
do something to make yourself feel good and secure, and you will no longer look
outside for validation. Get a haircut, go to an interest class, and do what
you’re good at. If you want to know more about how to feel good about yourself,
read We Don’t Need More Likes, We Need Self-Esteem.
2. Keep Your Fuel Independent From Your Partner’s
Even when you’re in a relationship, it’s crucial to keep
your independence. Any health relationship is comprised of two healthy people.
Becoming overly enmeshed in a relationship can lead to badly-defined
boundaries. You’ll have an overly diffuse sense of your own needs.
When you aren’t dependent on your relationship to fill your
needs, you feel more secure about your life. It’s important to maintain a sense
of self-identity and take care of your own needs. If you had hobbies and
passions prior to your relationship, keep maintaining them. For example, if
you’re a runner, continue getting up early and making that a priority in your
life. Having your own life outside of a relationship also make you continually
interesting and helps you to grow.
Everyone has what they need to feel secure. Most people
don’t realize it and try to look for it from others. But relying on others to
make you feel secure is not healthy and will drain a relationship. Do what make
you feel confident and worthy, stop looking for other’s validation and you’ll
find the security you’ve always needed. Light your own fire.
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