Why Your Lover Doesn't Want Your Advice, but Your Validation
Relationships, even the great ones, can be complicated. This
is especially true if you’re lacking validation. Think about the last time you
told your partner about the way you felt. Maybe he/she said something to you
that hurt your feelings. On some level, perhaps you knew they didn’t mean it to
be hurtful, but because of something you’d experienced in the past, it rubbed
you the wrong way.
If relationships worked the way they did in the movies, your
partner would have said something like, “Honey, I completely understand where
you’re coming from. You don’t have to say it. I’ll not let anything hurt your
any more.(Hug)” But because life isn’t a movie, there’s a chance your partner
actually said something closer to, “Why are you getting so offended? I didn’t
mean anything by it. You’re being dramatic for no reason.”
If this sounds familiar, then you probably understand why
validation in a relationship is important. It isn’t about being told you’re
right or that everyone should agree with you, it’s simply about having your
feelings acknowledged and successfully communicating within a relationship.
Think about the last time you really felt like your partner
understood you. You experienced a really peaceful sensation and some form of
accomplishment. While it can be a subtle moment, feeling understood leads to a
better, stronger connection. This isn’t just about acknowledging your partner
when they tell you how they feel about something that happened between the two
of you, it’s about being present in any conversation you share, even if it’s
just a quick recap of their day.
Your Relationship Grows When You Stop Judging and Start
Accepting
By showing your understanding and acceptance to your
partner, they will feel more confidence in themselves and feel more willing to
share their thoughts and feelings with you.
To illustrate the way this works, let’s use a dramatic
example: Your partner has done something silly and you say, “That was so
stupid.” Your partner becomes very insulted and hurt, even though you know you
didn’t mean anything by it. In the back of your mind, you remember a family
member used to tell him/her that they were stupid growing up.
By validating your partner’s feelings, you calm or even
eliminate their concerns.
While your initial reaction may be to say something like,
“Oh come on, you know I didn’t mean it like that…”, this can have an adverse
effect and hurt your partner’s feelings even more. Instead, you would want to
say something closer to, “I’m sorry I worded it that way. You know I think
you’re so smart. It was careless and I apologize.”
Your partner will feel loved and respected, and appreciate
the relationship with you more.
Remind your partner that you appreciate and respect them.
Validate how they feel and ask if they’d like to talk about why they were so
hurt by your comment.
Arguments will be prevented, or quickly resolved.
If your partner does open up and explain why he/she got
offended, don’t allow yourself to get defensive while they talk. Remember, the
whole point of asking them to talk about it was to hear them out. Let them talk
before you jump to any arguments.
You’ll help your partner to become open to your point of
view.
Your partner wants you to understand what is happening in
their head, so remember that you deserve that opportunity, too. Apologize for
the wording, especially since they were insulted with that same phrase while
they were growing up. Empathy is key.
And even if you can’t fix the issue, you’re providing
encouragement and support.
When something like this happens, you can’t go back and undo
the way it made them feel, or the root of why it hurt them in the first place.
But what you can do is allow a space for open communication and validation.
“Sorry” may not be enough at first, because your partner may need some time to
let it go. Even if it seems dramatic to you, remember that to them it isn’t
dramatic at all. Let them know that you’ll be patient with the process and you
will be more mindful in the future.
The More You Validate Your Partner, the Deeper Your Connection
Becomes
Validation is key to a healthy, strong relationship. There
are 6 levels of validation, and each helps you connect deeper and deeper with
your lover.
Level 1: Being Present
This is exactly what it sounds like. Pay attention to what
your partner is telling you. Look at their eyes, hold their hands, or even hug
them to show that you’re being with them.
Level 2: Accurate Reflection
When you reflect your partner’s feelings, you summarize what
they’ve said to you or share your opinion on the matter. It ensures you really
were present and focused, while also helping them to sort through the situation
and separate thoughts from emotions.
Level 3: Mind Reading
While being psychic would be helpful in any relationship,
this level is actually about being able to guess what’s happening in the other
person’s head based on observation. If your partner is telling you about
something upsetting that happened at work, or about something you did that
upset them, try to understand why it impacted them. Use statements like, “I’m
guessing you must have felt really sad because…….”
Level 4: Understand the Person in Terms of Their Experiences
Sometimes things are hurtful, not because they were intended
to be, but because we experienced the situation through a lens of past
experience. If your loved one is venting about something upsetting, but it
doesn’t seem upsetting to you, take a step back and try to understand it from
their point of view.
Use statements like, “Given what happened to you when … I
completely understand that this made you feel …”
Level 5: Recognize Emotional Reactions That Anyone Would
Have
One of the easiest ways to validate your partner is by
pointing out scenarios mentioned in a global way.
For instance, if something happened that upset your partner,
and you’re sure it would have upset you or anyone else that experienced it, say
something like, “of course you feel … anyone would have felt that way!”
A simple statement like that is comforting for your partner
because they know that they really are not alone.
Level 6: Radical Genuineness
If you have ever experienced something similar to the
scenario your partner is describing, share it. The goal is not to make this
conversation about yourself. It is ideal to show that you are an equal and have
experienced a similar instance.
Validate Your Partner By Starting With the Subtle Things
Each level of validation takes hours of practice because it
has involved a lot of communication skills including patience, listening
skills, how you tell your thoughts, and how you show empathy. To help you make
validating your partner’s feelings easier, try the following steps.
Aim to Reach Level 1 & 2 First
This means you’ll be present and accepting during communication.
While this will take practice, start by being aware of your body language.
Crossed arms and a body angled away from your partner makes it look like you
are only saying you want to hear what they have to say, but you really could
not care less.
To Connect Deeper at Level 3 & 4, Observe More
Be mindful of the experiences your partner has had in the
past and observe the way your partner acts with you. What are his/her usual
behaviors, and how does he/she seem when they’re upset or sharing feelings with
you? Once you start developing that awareness, conversation will become
simpler.
To Reach Level 5, Understand More About Your Partner, and
Others Too
While you never want to get overly caught up in comparing
yourself to other people, it can be helpful to consider how others would face
the same or similar situation. It can also be helpful to pretend to be an
outsider when listening to your partner in order to better understand their
feelings and not risk getting defensive.
To Advance to Level 6, Experience More
This can be challenging because you and your partner are not
likely to have experienced the exact same situations, but if you can relate at
all, share the way that scenario made you feel.
It takes two people to build a happy, strong and lasting
relationship. After you read this, perhaps you want to sit down with your
partner and discuss validation. How have you excelled at it in the past?
Where
could you have done more? Create a space for the conversation, so future talks
will seem less forced.
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